Have you ever experienced a heavy weight but you didn’t realise how heavy until it was removed? That sums up my life all this year. I have previously shared with you a little of my journey through depression and my hard struggles but now I can honestly say…

I suffered with depression for several years

But it is only now, this year that I have truly realised and accepted it. And I can honestly say that through accepting it, healing has begun. I don’t know why I fought it for so long. Healing may have been quicker if I wasn’t so stubborn and independent. I know depression is real and valid for Christian people and I don’t have an issue with that. I simply thought that I could fight it, that I was stronger than that.

I am a person who sees the glass as half full but also sees it as half full of a caramel latte. I always try to look for the best in a given situation and I’m keenly aware that many of my concerns are first world issues. I try to speak positively, knowing how influential negative words are and how powerful our words and thoughts are to our entire being. I am self motivated, reliable, passionate and energetic. Or at least, I used to be.

I’ve had periods of feeling ‘down’ or blue or unhappy. Don’t we all? But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about something much deeper. Something I could not talk myself out of, wish away, juice myself better, exercise until the happy endorphins took over, or pray through. It just didn’t work that way. Heaven knows, I tried. But all my trying only seemed to make the issue worse.

I feel like my whole being has been encapsulated by a black hessian sack. Everything around seemed clouded by darkness, as though I were only seeing the world through little pin prick holes. I wasn’t seeing clearly nor hearing clearly. And I’m being real honest here. I’m not talking metaphorically but physically as well.

I felt lost, so hopelessly lost yet I knew that my faith in Jesus was real. And I trusted Him. I just couldn’t see, hear or feel clearly. Nowadays, I still feel like I have a hessian sack that encompasses me. But now it is a light grey sack with larger weave. I can see and hear more clearly. Some days are darker than others but this year there are more brighter days than dark ones.

How It Started

It won’t make a lot of sense without some history to provide the backdrop.

• Immediate [step] mum at age 18.
• Four children born two years apart.
• My own mum passed away only a few months after our youngest son was born.
• I started homeschooling just days after her funeral.

—> —> Life continues. —> —>

Then came:

• Teenage difficulties and prodigal child
• Constant moves (both house and state)

—> —> Rinse and repeat —> —>

Major lifestyle change as John went back into the army and we began our nomadic lifestyle, leaving friends and family behind. Four homes in a 3 years started to take its toll as we stopped going to church and making new friends. It was just all so hard to make new friends and find a church only to leave it a few months later. So I simply stopped trying and let the weeks morph into months and years.

By the time one of our children decided to forger her own path in life in 2005/2006 (I write about our journey with a prodigal here and here) we had lived in yet another two homes and two towns. No family, no close friends or mentors, no church family = no support. And so we went through the most trying time of our married life together but with no support whatsoever. We had no one. We felt totally alone. Even our homeschool and Christian friends seemed to shun us. I have never felt so totally alone in my whole life, as when our young child went for a prodigal walk. Had we been homeschooling in the same town for years it would have been different. Had we stayed in Strathalbyn all that time I know it would be different because we were all involved in the wider community, Church, homeschool and sporting groups. But that wasn’t our life. It wasn’t to be. We didn’t stay put. We moved and lost contact with everyone.

Homeschooling can be isolating.

Homeschooling can be isolating. It shouldn’t be and doesn’t have to be but eventually it became that way due to my life circumstances. In the early years, homeschooling was the opposite of isolating as I was a social butterfly! I created support groups. I made them happen. But after several moves, I became so tired and heart sick from moving that my emotions were wearied and I was empty. I just didn’t have it in me anymore to go out and make groups happen nor even to attend any that were already in existence. The constant moving really took its toll on me, physically, emotionally and mentally.

I always felt like it was a little better for John. It wasn’t better for him at all but it was different. He went out to work everyday and interacted with different people. Sure, they weren’t close friends or confidante’s but he would get out and away from the hurting drama and away from (what felt like) the constant scrutinisation of online, homeschool friends.

I will not blame homeschooling because I love the concept of home education. I cannot blame the Defence Force because it isn’t the DF’s fault. However, the combination of the two shaped my life so that it became the perfect environment for severe depression to set in.

So, homeschooling + defence life + prodigal youngster = Deeply Depressed Susan.

I still kept homeschooling and for awhile I retained my passion, but as depression engulfed me more, my passion for everything disappeared. I would have bouts of energy and I would work hard at trying to get better, get more energy. I’d start projects only to have them fall by the wayside later on, once the depression took hold and my energy levels drained. I felt like I had lost my voice. I felt like I wanted to share with others yet I also felt like a complete and utter failure as a mother and homeschooler. I felt like a failure as a Christian.

This may come as a surprise to some friends and many family members.

They simply didn’t see it because I learned to hide it and mask my feelings. After all, when you only see someone occasionally or at Christmas and they ask, “How are you?” do they really want to know that I am so tired I can barely get out of bed, that there is no light at the end of the black tunnel? That my whole life is running in slow motion yet I am still powerless to act in a way that impacts my own life? That every bone and muscle in my body aches compounding the chronic migraine headaches? I don’t think so. So I smile weakly and say, “I’m fine thanks. How are *you*?”

Fast forward to Sept 2012…

A dear friend was coming to stay with us for a week all the way from north Queensland. I was elated yet fatigued at the thought of all that energy required. I spent two weeks in bed, with bad migraines and fatigue and tiredness and aches and pains just before she arrived. I barely managed to clean the house two days before she got here. The two weeks in bed was a milestone for me. I finally accepted that I was not right. I didn’t know why or how I wasn’t but I knew I wasn’t and it was time to stop fighting it, and just accept it. Accept my weaknesses and limitations.

After Amanda’s visit I felt like it was time to start waking up. I still felt horribly fatigued but something clicked inside me – mentally and emotionally. I started looking toward the future. I compiled my resume, applied for a job, went for an interview, etc. I still struggled majorly with fatigue and tiredness, aches and pains. And I still do. But… the mental/emotional switch has flicked. There were also quite a few significant dietary changes I made at this time and I believe they have helped immensely.

During all this time, John had been away on course and injured his back. He has been on medication and generally having a pretty hard time of it all. Which means I have been too, in my own way.

Doctors have suggested Depression, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Adrenal Fatigue, Fibromyalgia and more… and I’ve had various tests for this and that. Who knows what came first? My mental/emotional state or the physical state? I do not know. But, I think I am on the tail end of it. I sense the fog has started to lift… I’m not there yet, I still have some ways to go. But I know one thing – through my acceptance of my weakness, healing and restoration is coming.

This may sound dreary but it is my real life. I will continue to write about depression but from the perspective of what has helped and contributed to my healing.

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live…
Deuteronomy 30:19

I’ve been pregnant. Five times in fact. And I’ve been in a state of non pregnancy, obviously. But I’ve never been a little bit pregnant. With pregnancy you either are or you are not pregnant. You can’t be a little bit pregnant.

Life is like that too. You are either are alive or you are not. You can’t be a little bit alive.

Death is the same. You are either dead or you are not. You can’t be a little bit dead.

“… the Holy Spirit must get in to our insides and there apply the work of the Cross and Resurrection in destroying the old death and bringing the new life.”
~Geoffrey Bingham

We had a farm with many animals. I know what it’s like to kill an animal and bury it. I was also a nurse. I’ve cared for terminal patients and cared for the bodies of dead people. There’s not much middle ground there. Try as one might, there is no way to get a dead body to do respond to stimuli. It simply cannot. It has no mind, no will. It cannot be reasoned with, manipulated, encouraged or cajoled.  A dead animal cannot will itself to life or to change. Dead is dead. Without life.

Yet, as Christians we often expect this very unnatural law of other people. People who are not believers, who have not been born again, who have not been drawn to God, repented and confessed Jesus Christ as Lord. Without God, mankind is dead in their sins. I was dead in my sin before God revealed Himself to me. I was dead. Incapable of choosing life, incapable of getting up, dusting myself off and putting on new clothes. Why or how do we expect those who are dead to the things of God to love Him, respond to him and live according to His ways?

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the bodyt and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
~Ephesians 2: 1-9

With what resources do we expect [spiritually] dead people to arise from death and live? Will power? A desire to live a clean life? They’re dead. Incapable of response. How can they choose the action to live?

What choice does a baby have to be born? He/she doesn’t. The earthly decision to be born is the result of the parents decision. An external force, if you will. Spiritual birth is similar! It is a work of God.

That’s how it was in my life. I was dead in my sins- it’s not like I had the wherewithall or the reseources to do it myself. God picked me up, dusted me off and breathes his life into me through the blood of Jesus. The decision to give birth is that of the Supreme, Divine parent – our father, God the Creator of All. It’s His decision!

And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.
~Colossians 2:13-14

So why do we expect godly behaviour and attitudes from those who have not been made alive in Christ? Why are we shocked when dead people act dead? Let us not be guilty of putting pearls and fine linen on a corpse for appearance sake. Let’s pray and preach the good news of Christ for the dead’s sake- that they may hear the word of God and be made alive.

Anyone who is involved in personal evangelism can share countless examples of persons who, though presently living in gross sin, will nonetheless tell the evangelist that they are fine because they “made a decision for Christ” a certain number of years ago. They have never had any change in their life; they have no interest in church, the Bible, or even God. But they have made their “decision.” Can we not see how dangerous such a system is to the souls of men?
~ Jim Ehrhard

That before the creation of the universe God thought of me! For some reason known to himself, He chose me to be on his team. He didn’t choose me because I had made a decision (for I was dead in my sin when I realised that I was on God’s team). He didn’t choose me because I am holy or righteous. Rather, that through Christ I might become holy. All that I am is grounded in the fact that God freely chose me. What then do I have to boast about except His goodness, His mercy, His grace?

Lend me your ear as I share yesterday’s Bible reading with you. I am not claiming to know everything nor have all my theological ducks in a row… I just want to share with you.

As Falcon and I were reading in the second book to Timothy yesterday I happened to backtrack a few verses and I was greatly encouraged by the passage below. (Any emphasis is mine)

I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:5-7

The Apostle Paul is writing to Timothy, his son in the faith. He mentions how Timothy has been raised in the ways and knowledge of God by his Grandmother Lois and his mother, Eunice. He says that this faith first dwelt in these women and it has been passed on to Timothy. Timothy has received a very rich faith. He has been instructed from childhood and, no doubt, much prayed for. Oh what great encouragement I take from that.

Looking further I read…

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.
~2 Timothy 3:15

From childhood… acquainted with the sacred writings, from childhood.

Shortly after Falcon through me for a loop and asked as to the whereabouts of Timothy’s father? We talked about the possibilities. Of course I couldn’t leave well enough alone. Enquiring minds need to know these things. What about Timothy’s father? Was he an unbeliever? Was he dead?

Acts 16:1 gives a little insight about Timothy’s dad. He was a Greek. However, we still don’t know if he was alive or dead during Timothy’s childhood. Either way, Timothy was taught the Scriptures and had a rich heritage in the [Christian] faith.

Should our goal be to raise godly children (outcome based goal, over which we have less control) or to acquaint our children with the Scriptures… exposing our children to a rich faith and the word of God. (Focusing on the process.)

Are you encouraged by these verses? What have you been reading in God’s word this week?

I do my best to be the wife, the mother, the friend that God wants me to be but I cannot escape the fact that God is The One who holds my future in His hands, despite what I do or don’t do.

When life is peachy, it’s easy to fall for the lie that I must have done something good to cause it to be this way. The flip side of that is that when life is somewhat less than peachy that my actions have been the cause. This is not always true. Sometimes we reap the consequences of our choices and actions. But sometimes bad stuff just happens!

I don’t like the bad or sad times. In fact, I hate them. I wish I didn’t have to bear them. But after they are over, I know that God works through me when I am empty, when I have nothing left. It’s when I am dry, He can fill me up! When I am broken, He picks up the pieces and mends me.

I know that the way to restoration and healing is not a 12 step plan (not dissing plans for health and wealth but it must be noted that they are different to our spiritual condition). Many people read the Scriptures and search for the formula, the prescription. But in doing so, they have missed the point! The Bible isn’t a book of rules, it’s a book about God. It’s HiStory! His Story of Glory!

We may scatter seed and water it, but God alone gives the growth!

In looking around my little world, I see many parents who have diligently taught their children the ways of the Lord from early childhood only to be dismayed when the child grows to adulthood and turns his back on all that he grew up with. Yet, I also have many friends who were raised in atheist homes, being brought up in families that mocked Christianity, yet as adults they have come to know the Lord. Oh the unnecessary guilt and pain that comes from such things when one has trusted in a formula for parenthood! We may wonder what they did wrong as parents or what they failed to do but that is totally missing the point!

Read the Scriptures. Entirely!

Did Jacob do anything to deserve or earn becoming the patriarch of Israel in Genesis 32? And look at the life of Joseph? He may very well of been a downright annoying, smug little brother! Did he deserve to be imprisoned? Then again, did he deserve to be favoured and thus used by God in Genesis 49? Did the Hebrews who crossed the Red Sea deserve deliverance? Were the second and third generation of Israelites any better in Joshua 1? It isn’t about their goodness but in their weaknesses, God displays His glory.

I’m not saying that the Scriptures do not speak of blessings for obedience and some loss for disobedience. They do. But that is not the totality of the Scriptures. God is much bigger, more mysterious than that. Often in life, there is no logical answer for why some things happen. They just happen. It isn’t necessarily the result of an action or non action on our part and to attribute it to such is to fail to give God the glory.

The point I see in Scriptures is not how we are to Do This + That To Get (=) Favour. My future, the future of my children does NOT depend upon me! It depends upon God. Oh, what a relief to all parents! What a relief to me! Now I’m free to live, to love, to serve and glorify God as His child, His slave, without the burden of creating the perfect environment to raise the near-perfect child.

What’s the Bottom line?

Do your best and leave God to the rest. Our hope is in Him. He is the great Healer, the restorer. He is our Saviour, Our Lord and our Master. He is more than capable.

Share His goodness with your children every day. Yes train them, guide them, discipline them. But always be pointing to His goodness, His strength, His power, and His sovereignty. This is the way to teach your children that they are saved by grace, not works.

What then is Apollos? What is Paul? Servants through whom you believed, as the Lord assigned to each. I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth.
~1 Corinthians 3:6-7