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Month: June 2013

A Tip for Each Year of Marriage

Earlier this week, John and I celebrated our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.  Like any married couple, we have had ups and downs, times of plenty and been in need. Also like every other couple, we have fought and cried together.

Here are 25 things that I have learned and am still learning to do.

  1. Forgiveness is the backbone of any successful relationship. Never let the sun go down on your anger. Be quick to apologise. When having an argument, try holding his hand.
  2. Share Scripture and other learnings with him.
  3. Study each other. Know the others likes and dislikes. Make a conscious decision to put him first.
  4. Dream big dreams together.
  5. Make love regularly and enjoy it.
  6. Never leave the house with giving him a kiss and saying "I love you". Say "I love you" often.
  7. Find out his biggest pet peeve within the home and take steps to improve it. It will often be small things like wanting clean socks each day. Clean socks aren't that difficult to provide when I am aware of the need and make it a priority.
  8. Let him catch you perving on him and admiring him. Touch him as often as he can stand it.
  9. Accept his help and his suggestions. Be willing to learn from him.
  10. Remind him gently of important dates like his own mother's birthday.
  11. Remember his favourite things - foods, clothes, movies, etc.
  12. Love him - even when you don't feel like it. Love him anyway.
  13. Do something special for him (favourite movie, food, etc) when in a bad mood with him.
  14. Don't expect him to understand completely.
  15. Ask for his advice and use it.
  16. Let him speak, uninterrupted.
  17. Use phrases like "I feel ____ in this situation" rather than "You always".
  18. Let him have the car window down while driving. Let him choose the music on a road trip.
  19. Pray for and develop intimacy - emotional, spiritual and physical moments. It's the little things, little moments, that build intimacy.
  20. Say please, thank you and excuse me on a regular basis.
  21. Watch the football with him, even if you despise it. Show an interest in his work, his hobbies.
  22. Laugh at his jokes, even the not-so-funny ones.
  23. Appreciate his efforts as a husband, a father and a provider. Support him at work or in front of his friends/work colleagues.
  24. Smile at him every day. Welcome him home with a kiss and a seductive smile.
  25. Cook together, play together, pray together, laugh together.
  26. Pray for him.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
~1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Okay I cheated and added an extra tip. But I couldn't stop without mentioning #26. Everyone's list will look different but what would you add to this list?

Five Necessary Gospel Points to Share

As parents we all want to raise our children in the ways of the Lord, to teach them His ways, to teach them His story. Oh, but there is so much to do, to read, to share. Where do we start? We start with the good news. We end with the good news. But what exactly is this good news? Have you succinctly shared the gospel with your children?

Why succinctly?

Maybe your children go to school which means you really have to maximise every hour spent with the children? Maybe you have teens – we all know how fast and hectic the lives of young people can be – you need to maximise every hour spent with them. There are many reasons why our time is limited but, it is also good for all believers to know the essential message of the gospel – it also helps them to share the message with others.

I am the best curriculum for teaching and showing the gospel to my family. And that is an awesome responsibility. There are many days when we don’t read from ABCXYZ Bible Curriculum [insert any Bible curriculum here], and that is okay.When I am baking, or driving, or gardening, or writing I make it a point to share all the time. Naturally in conversation, as real life affords these opportunities all the time.

What Is It Exactly That I Share?

1. God is holy. God is just. God is righteous and perfect.
2. I am not.
3. At the end of my life I am going to stand before the just and holy God. And I will be judged on either my own righteousness or that of another. I am not justified by my own works or efforts, nor any deeds I could manage but only by faith. By faith alone.
4. Jesus lived: perfect, righteous & obedient. He offered Himself as a perfect sacrifice to satisfy the justice and the righteousness of the Holy God. He has done for me that which I could never ever do for myself.
5. This cost God. It isn’t cheap. The forgiveness we receive cost God His own Son, Jesus Christ. When I put my trust in Him alone, He declares me just. He adopts me into His family, forgives my sin and calls me His beloved.

And When They’re Older:

(a) Jesus is the Messiah predicted by the OT prophecies. His ministry of teaching, his actions, his death, resurrection and ascension all comport with the prophecies, and affirm him to be Messiah.
(b) His death was God’s act to deal with sin. His resurrection attested to the effective power of the Cross, and affirmed Jesus as Lord over life, death, creation.
(c) Men and women must, therefore, believe his Lordship, believe on him, repent of their sins, and receive forgiveness from their Saviour, Jesus.

For more detailed writings on this topic, I thoroughly recommend the excellent teaching at New Creation Teaching Ministries. Download and read True Preaching: The Agony and the Ecstasy by Rev. Geoffrey Bingham

Hmmm…

The modern-day gospel says, ‘God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. Therefore, follow these steps, and you can be saved.’ Meanwhile, the biblical gospel says, ‘You are an enemy of God, dead in your sin, & in your present state of rebellion, you are not even able to see that you need life, much less to cause yourself to come to life. Therefore, you are radically dependent on God to do something in your life that you could never do.
~David Platt

Is It Harder to be a Wife or a Mum?

I recently had the most wonderful weekend when I attended the Mum Heart Conference in Newcastle. I was asked to sit on a panel, along with five other women. The audience had opportunity to ask the panelists any question and each woman had a minute or so to respond. I really like the idea of panels as the responses given are always so diverse. It really goes to show that there is no one right way. One of the questions asked was, “Have you found it hardest to be a wife or a mum?“

For some, parenthood and mothering may be very natural and intuitive. For others – maybe not so. When I married at 18 years old I was an instant mum to an adorable little five year old boy. My husband’s son. When I chose to say yes to my husband, I also chose to say yes to his son.

And that for me is the crux of my answer. I chose to marry John. I spent time with him, got to know him, enjoyed his company and chose to devote the rest of my life to him. He knows everything about me, has seen me at my worst… and he still loves me! I can be completely relaxed when I’m with him. He doesn’t look at me with judgement or condemnation even when I’m having a ‘flesh moment’. I can snap at John and he, being a mature, gracious adult, chooses to forgive me, and we move on. We enjoy similar hobbies and pastimes. I don’t get his sense of humour, and he sometimes annoys me no end but that’s part of a marriage. When I said ‘I Do‘ I was really saying that I choose John to be the instrument that God would use to refine me, to rub me the wrong way but ultimately, to grow me.

And then we had kids

Now don’t get me wrong. I loved my kids, and I still do. I love them to bits. But it’s different. I was a wife before I was a mum. Whereas I could totally relax with John, I had to be on my guard with this whole parenting gig. I have learned, and am still learning, the art of patience. I’ve learned to think before I speak. We all know that children will pick up on everything we say and question it. I’ve learned that even when I’m silent, my kids are always observing and learning.

With parenting, I’m expected to be the adult. It’s expected that I should be the mature one. I’m responsible for leading and guiding, for teaching. I’m expected to train and discipline. I’m supposed to be the example. The example of what? Everything that I want my children to be. I am also a representative of God. I represent God to my children. When I’m angry, yelling and throwing a hissy fit I am representing God the Father. When I choose to respond in love and gentleness, I am representing the Father. Now that is HUGE.

Mothering requires sacrifice, commitment, time, energy and diligence. All the time. These traits are not something that comes naturally to me. But I have learned to appreciate them, to practice them as it has been my hearts desire to reach my children’s heart with the grace of God, to show them His unfailing love.And so, I have found my role as a mother to be harder than my role as a wife.

What about you? What do you find harder – being a wife or a mother?

His Purpose is My Hope

I am so alone
unable to speak with words, only groans.
I see the looks;
hear the whispers…

I turn to the left and sense the sighs. I hear the unsaid words,
“If only you had done this, or done that…”
I turn to the right only to see other parents pull their children away in fear
just in case it is infectious.

I look behind and see their looks of pity.
They know I see it but they choose to be aloof.
Yet I also sense fear in their eyes, “If it happened to them, will it happen to me?”

Blue eyes, brown eyes… ooze with thick, black condemnation
eyebrows raised, lips pursed.
Tsk, tsk…
Chiding me with every breath.

I turn around. Momentarily relieved to have found a place of rest.
Of peace,
an absence of condemnation or self righteousness…
But it is an illusion. Not real. It’s there, veiled behind music and smiles, preaching, prayers and Bible verses.

I soon learn and accept that all is not as it seems
This place – is filled with dark hopelessness and resignation
“Oh well, what can ya do?” and “Kids will be kids” and other such empty, throwaway lines…

I look forward…
look straight ahead…
to The One who knows and see all,
who is not bound by the earthly constraints of time and physicality.

I see hope.
He has her,
in His hands,
He will call her in his time.

This One.
He knows me,
knows what I have done,
where I have tried and failed.

Everything is in His hands,
not mine.
He has His purpose,
As if I could stop it.

No more control,
or shame,
or guilt
when I abide in Him and Him alone.