As I posted a few entries ago, I’ve been spending time with friends and extended family and I’ve witnessed some things which really make me think…deeply. I have gone home and spoken with my husband about them. Why do I worry so much about it? Its not so much that I worry, but as my children are getting older I want to teach them about parenting. Sure they’ll learn parenting from being parented but I also want to be more direct in my approach to teaching about it. S I talk to my children about why I parent the way I do.

Some families live so nice and tidy. I know families like this. The homes are spotless with rarely a thing out of place. Wow, my home has never been like that. Sure, everything needs to be clean but things are always out of place in my home. It just can’t be helped with four children and myself living at home, all day every day. I’d go crazy trying to keep it neat and spotless all the time. But I know some families like this. The sad thing is that while the children have every toy imaginable, they aren’t allowed outside to have any free play. Come on, who are we kidding? No matter how bright and colourful the toys are these days, they don’t beat a children learning to make his own toy from materials found in the backyard. There’s just something inventive, and creative and empowering about that…a plastic blue toy with all the bells and whistles can never do that.

My children are rarely sick. They have pretty strong immune systems. They (and I) credit that to all the dirt and worms they ate when they were small. Once I found my 2yodaughter asleep under the house, curled up in a laundry basket! Another time she tasted cat food! But my children played outside a lot… many hours of the day, in the dirt, climbing trees, running, jumping, crawling, rolling and pretending to be whatever games sprang from their imagination. Coming into contact with dirt and worms made their immune system stronger, so we believe. The mothers of the families I referenced above use antiseptic spray all over the house, several times a day, yet their children still get sick. Maybe children are meant to get a few colds and runny noses as youngsters. Maybe it strengthens their systems?

I’m all for protecting our children…(duh, it would be ludicrous to state that I believe otherwise) but I wonder if many parents are taking it way too far? Are we raising the next generation to be soft and namby pamby? These days it is not politically correct to say NO to a child or to tell them anything less than how good they are. Wow, a far cry from what the gospel tells us about man eh?

What doesn’t kill us can make us stronger!

My children were reminiscing the other night about how unsympathetic I can seem. When they were little and they’d fall over and graze their knee, I would barely take a glance and they wouldn’t get a lot of TLC from me. Sounds harsh? Actually, after reading many lovely homeschool/mothering books (which I do like) I often felt very un-maternal. Yet I love my children dearly. They know that. They also know who to go to when they are REALLY hurt- they come to me. I have often said to them that age old adage, “What doesn’t kill us can make us stronger” (My paraphrase) I have witnessed a 2 year old boy, falling over and then run crying to his mother, who will pick him up and make a fuss as though he has knocked a tooth out! Oi voi! What are we doing? I want my children to grow to be strong, capable, competent, independent adults who can live in a fallen world, who have the courage to stand against the flow, regardless of any hurt they experience. I want them to stand up for truth and righteousness! How can I manage to instill this if they don’t experience a little bit of pain (supervised and controlled) in their younger years? I want so much to protect them, to shield them from the harsh reality of life but I can’t do that or be that forever. One day they will venture out on their own. I must remind myself that I am parenting from this perspective as it’s so easy to get up in only the ‘here and now’.

If I want my child to learn responsibility I can teach it from a curriculum. But really what will make more meaningful sense to him is to see that my ACTIONS back up my words. (Actions speak louder than words). Direct teaching needs to go hand in hand with seeing the parent model real life responsibility. Then we need to give an opportunity to the child- an opportunity to take a responsibility. You know what I’ve found? That they will most likely fail! But the great news is that I then get to guide them, to correct them in gentleness! This is when my children have learned the best lessons in responsibility – through failure! I think children need to learn how to accept failure. I tell my children that a failure is only a failure or a mistake only a mistake IF they don’t learn from it. However, they do need to learn the attitude of picking themselves back up and putting one foot in front of the other- to not get down because of that failure. They need to see living reality in my life too. Better that they learn about failure now, while they are still young and I can supervise, guide and control the situation rather than be slap-bang confronted with it as an adult when it is too late to be corrected by ones parents.

Hand in hand with giving them responsibility is teaching them about consequence– and how we can often choose the outcome. Sure children don’t often set out to choose a negative consequence but as a result of their action that is what comes. This empowers them and gives them responsibility – a far cry from the modern epidemic of people blaming everyone else for their actions and circumstances. We’re trying to teach out children to look further ahead than just the action- look ahead to the consequence. Too often today I see parents who don’t teach their children natural consequences. The child doesn’t pick up their dirty clothes and put them into the laundry but why should he? Mother will do it for him. It has been difficult at times, as parents, for we have allowed our children to experience the natural consequence of their actions. If they have not put their dirty dishes in the sink then they were presented with dirty crockery at meal time, which they promptly ran to the sink and scrubbed. But it’s a lesson learned. My children have all had a favourite item of clothing. At times this item hasn’t been available for them to wear when we were going out because they hadn’t picked it up from the floor. Rather than rush off to wash it I said, “Oh well, that’s too bad. Come on, I’ll help you find something else to wear” Not quite the reaction they wanted but it was a lesson learned. I never do for my child that which they are able to do for themselves. The key here is, I believe, to be consistent.

Of course I want to protect my children…to keep them safe but I have to think long term, not short term. Will my actions today be helping them achieve the goals that, as parents who have sought God for direction, have been set before them. These goals are based on Biblical principles and not our hopes and dreams kinda thing. Parenting isn’t about us, per se, it’s about the children.

Ah, there is so much we need to teach our children. But the great part is that developing a relationship with them and teaching them from the best curriculum called Real Life (experience) is what will see them most ready for the adult world.

Oops, once again this post turned into something the size of a small book. Coffee and Tim Tams to any who made it all the way through.

Oh, for some reason the smilies aren’t showing up. There are meant to be a few smilies scattered through this post…to add context. Sorry they’re not there. I don’t have time to muck around and find out where they are.

Any thoughts?

I like to watch people.

Yup, I even like going to the mall and just observing people, families, singles, children, elderly, anyone. I find it very interesting. I guess I really like people and I like learning how people think and believe and how they behave. These times of observation invariably lead me to times of intense thinking. Tehee, this used to be a bad thing as my head would get into a spin and I’d drive myself nuts. Maybe it’s part of getting older or maybe it’s the effect of the Holy Spirit in my life but I find I’m more able to speak less and be more patient in processing my thoughts before trying to verbalise them.

Anyway, all this to say that I have been observing families and friends lately…some Christian and others aren’t. Some are homeschoolers and others are schoolies. But I have noticed some common trains of thought amongst them…beliefs,actions, that I have learned (and still learning) to deal with and seek a Biblical approach to.

I have a friend. This woman works very hard outside the home, in order to earn money to pay for a private Christian education for her children. She also works very hard within the home to provide a positive and loving home life for the family. Everything she does is for her children. She unpacks their school bag (and I’m talking about a Yr 10 student here!!!) and packs it again with the next days school books. She makes him lunch, washes his clothes, brings him warm milk to tuck him in at bed. She sacrifices a lot in order to provide, what she sees as best, for her child. However, she doesn’t monitor his telephone usage and he has a private line in his room at which he can talk for hours at a time. The teen child seems to rule the roost, not in word but in action.

I have another friend (Wow, 2 ‘IRL’ friends…who woulda thunk it?) who is naturally rather shy. She also enjoys being at home with her younger children. No problems there right? Except that her 2 year old son totally rules the home. This is largely due to the husband’s insistence as he works odd hours and likes his son to be available when he is. This seems to have led to the child not having any routine or any discipline or any guidelines whatsoever. This dear mother cannot even go shopping with him! She must have a sitter for him so she can get groceries as he is such a handful. Oh, they laugh about it and call him ‘cute’ and gave him little pet names but I shudder when I think of what he may become when he is 12 and 22 and not just a 2year old. This young mother desires the very best for her son…she only wants ot please him and to provide the best for him. Much like the mother I mentioned above.

I wonder how our children learn that the world is a much bigger place than their own limited personal experience. I want my children to know that they are fortunate and blessed…I want them to know that the world does not revolve around them! I want them to have a servant’s heart…to serve others…to be always looking outwards rather than inwards. I don’t want them to grow up with the attitude that this world owes them in some way! I wonder how a child can honestly believe that though if they have totally been the centre of their parent’s world…if everything the parent does revolves around the child then what is the message the child is hearing?

I wonder if homeschoolers can be at particular risk of raising selfish children? I don’t have any ‘cut n dried’ thoughts, it’s just something I have pondered. I mean, we mothers stay at home training and educating children rather than pursuing our own career…do we need to tell our children that while we love them to bits, our whole world does not revolve around them? How much of my life have I put on hold…til after the children have grown and left home? Do I have any interests or hobbies or passions that I pursue? What do my children know about me…not just my thoughts on the Bible or child rearing but do they know my likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams? Do my children know that the gospel of Christ is much more important than homeschooling?

Have you noticed a trend toward the idolatry of children? How do you guard against it?